You see, there was this girl. I remember I had a dream about her but I didn't want to admit it was her because she's always been that girl. The girl that you always think about in between girls. The girl that you text sometimes and then stop talking to for months. The girl that makes you so happy every time you see her and you always wonder how life would be like if she was actually around. Now, the sad part is that we were born on opposite ends of our big round world. She grew up with an accent and I grew up with a different accent. She grew up with a father who was a preacher and I grew up with a father was a skeptical, revolutionary. She was raised in a very classy environment, but she was never one to be uptight. Honestly, she was so relaxed when I first met her I was surprised. The things that truly matter are the things that catch her attention. Her bright blue eyes practically glow and now her beautiful hair falls in a perfect way that makes my cheeks turn red. And then whenever I tell her, her cheeks also turn red. I've never met a girl who has actually, physically blushed at something I've said. She plays the flute and the only instrument I can play well is my vocal cords. She's moved to so many places in this world that she's never really had a chance to feel like she belongs somewhere. I've always lived in the same place and yet I don't feel like I belong here. And right now, after seeing her face again and making her blush again and listening to her sweet words.. the one thing I desire out of anything else is to sit down on the edge of the dock that is our moment. To sit there with her where the stars in the sky reflect off the deep water of the lake and we have our own little place in between the infinities of the stars.
I remember the night when we were both hungry after work and decided to get dinner together. We ended up driving around for half an hour looking for a place to eat only to end up sitting down at Wendy's in our gross work clothes.
We pretended it was fancy and special and made a centerpiece out of my salad container. I was wearing your Flyers cap and our legs just barely brushed underneath the flimsy little table and I remember thinking that anyone who drove by and glanced through the big glass windows would have seen it all.
They would have seen the way your blue eyes lit up like electricity every time you smiled at me across the table. They would have seen the way my laughter bubbled up in my throat like a fountain and they would have seen our hands bump together accidentally-on-purpose and they would have known in an instant.
It's funny how a Wendy's can feel like a five-star restaurant when you're with the person you love.
I am in love and it was not my choice. It just happened to me. And I don't need anyone to tell me that I don't stand a chance, that this is going nowhere. Trust me, I know.
But here's what I believe:
We all love someone at one time or the other in our lives. Love is not rational and you can't just stop feeling it just because the other person doesn't love you back. It's like being on a plane and realizing you're gonna crash but you can't get off. It's too late. You just can't stop it.
Love anyway. (What other choice do you have?)
You don't fall in love with someone for a reason.
You don't fall in love with him for his inviting smile. His uncanny, remarkable wit. His eyes that remind you of sunshine peering through forest foliage. His ability to make you laugh until your stomach is sore. His caring, loving disposition. His chocolate brown hair, always ruffled in the neatest way. His voice, the soundtrack of your favorite lullaby, a sound you don't think you could ever get sick of.
You don't fall in love with her for her adorable grin. Her offbeat, unprecedented personality. Her deep, skeptical eyes, gazing into yours. Her tendency to smile uncontrollably in your presence. Her ardent nature, her passionate emotions, her angst-filled mind. Her long, cascading hair. Her voice, its cadence - your favorite, you say.
No, you don't fall in love with someone for these reasons. There is no specific reason for why you suddenly don't want to live without a person.
You fall in love with someone when they catch you off guard, capture a piece of you, leave you feeling like something is missing. When they burrow into your heart, when their pain becomes yours. When you wake up one morning and suddenly think, "I love you."
You fall in love with someone before you even know what love is.
Her and I fell in love in 2011.
A year and a half later, she left.
I was heart broken, and still am. I continue to wet my pillows morning and night. It's been nearly eight months since we've fallen apart. So, I sent her a letter two evenings ago. Pouring out every inch of my soul. I had her know that I am still in love with her, that she will be my every day for the remainder of my life. She told me that she missed me. She was never just my girlfriend, she was my best friend; she's my soul-mate. After she told me that she missed me, she said the same. She said that she wants her best friend in her life, because I'm her soul-mate. We have no plans on getting back together... for now at least. She let me know that she has feelings for someone else and those feelings can't be shaken just because I've made a reapperance in her life, but she also told me that the future is unreadable, and that we will never be finished. It hurts. Knowing she has feelings for someone else, I will admit that it hurts. It's okay, though. I will wait for her, just as I have been. Because she could be with someone new and I could be with someone new, and we could both be-wed to these new individuals, but in the end... when we're eighty years old and on our death beds, it'll be the two of us. I will be holding her hand, and she will be holding mine. We will always find out way back to each other. I say that without a doubt. I'm in love with her, and forever will be.
Nearly midway through 2013, I got my soul-mate back.
To me, you have always been the boy who is so incredibly, untouchably beautiful. To think you've always thought the same of me.
Pity how much time we wasted. But I've always been yours.
Before today I had never been on anything worse than the ferris wheel at a fair. But you convinced me.
It was the way you stayed back with me to just watch the ride over and over and waited so patiently for me to be ready while our friends rode it.
The way you rocked the cart with me on the Thunderbolt.
Made me put my arms out on the Flying Trapeze.
Laughed at my screams in the Stratosphere.
Let me grab your arm on the Excalibur.
Threw water at me on Thunder Falls.
And the way you made me open my eyes when we were at the very top of the Dragon's Descent.
And 12 seconds later we plumetted down.
And I fell in love with you.
You use to step carefully in the early mornings before you went to work. You didn't know, but I always woke up when you got out of bed. I could hear you carefully try to step in the non creaking spots, and when you did I heard you say "No" very quietly. Thank you for doing that.
Thank you for doing all the little things that normal humans don't do for each other. Thank you for buying flowers every week for my vase I made. Thank you for leaving me exactly $3.50 for my breakfast.
Thank you for kissing my temples before we went to sleep and thank you for holding my hand through all the movies you knew I was terrified of.
I miss you, but all I can say now is thank you.
It's like when ours eyes meet, time literally stops.
Well, for me at least. I don't know about you or anyone else in the universe. It must not for everyone else, because I suddenly trip over myself and stop breathing for a moment.
My friends say I'm clumsy, I say I'm just easily distracted. But in all honesty I'm just distracted by you.