I saw you for the first time in months today..
So much has changed but you're still the same.
I walked towards you, having to force myself to breathe with every step I took because I really wanted to run to you. I picked up my pace a little bit and came to an abrupt stop lasting for 2 seconds, saw you open your arms, and just did what I had always wanted to. I ran to you, and I squeezed you and when you squeezed back a little bit tighter,I felt happy. and it was perfect. I have been smiling ever since.
I love you, B.
I showed him the letter a few days ago. Now school has ended. I feel empty with no closure. A no will do, rather than no response at all. The suspense you left me with baffles me.
I haven't slept for days.
Guys, I know it's not working out and I should break up with him.. but I love him so much and I feel like I would be miserable without him.. but I'm also miserable with him. There's rare moments where I'm happy. I don't know what to do because the thought of not being with him hurts so much.
GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU! ok sorry, I just needed to get that out. Love you! xoxo
How is it that I'm still thinking about something that happened like two months ago. I would give the world to go back in time and tell my past self to stop being such a pussy and to actually talk to him. That he's just a normal guy, to take a chance and ask him to the school dance. But instead, I was to much of a coward. I couldn't have a proper converstation with you. Maybe if I wasn't so shy you wouldn't have ignored me the rest of the school year.
I literally feel like I'm losing it.
I can't seem to just get a fucking grip of things.
People around me, they're starting to notice, I can feel it.
My family, they're worried.
I just need to learn how to relax...get used to this...get used to all of this 'craziness', but all I want is to be able to feel fine again. I haven't felt fine for a whole year. I haven't felt normal or right or...or...it feels like it's been forever since I could just sit, exist, and breathe for one day. One full day.
I'm trying out something to see if it can help me, and I can finally stop worrying about life and make it all go away. Or...I'm about to find out I have a lot of worrying to do for the rest of my life.
Right now, it's driving me insane and making me feel sick. My stomach hurts, my head is spinning, my heart won't slow down, and everything is freaking me out.
It's just the side effects. It'll go away. If this works anyways. if not. Great.
But you want to know what the sickest part of this all is? I close my eyes trying to find a happy place, and it makes me feel better for a moment when I need it.
I don't have a lot of happy places to go to anymore. I can't think of family, they're not helpful in this...at all...you know that. I can't think of time spent with friends, because they make me feel nervous. It's not their fault but they just do. I can't even think about performing or music because then all I can think of is that terror of being alone on stage and having all those people stare at you. I don't have a boyfriend anymore to rely on, and no matter how hard he tried to just be there, and be there my ex, you know him, he was never going to get it. Ever. Because he's too busy trying to get back with me. Then while we were together, he never actually could grasp it fully. He tried, but he was too stuck with his own issues. I should have figured, even before we dated he never actually cared.
So what is my happy place now? Congratulations. it's you. Because you're the first person who didn't run away knowing how I was. You're the first person who accepted me for who I am, minus the 'craziness'. You accept me for just me. You see me standing against the wall alone, and you....stand there too. You see me flying high, and you laugh. You made sure to let me know over and over, you don't judge me. You don't care about all of 'that', but you do care. So when I need a moment, for some god forsaken reason, I think about the first time we were left alone...which never happens. I expected you to blow me off, to go off and leave me alone so you could enjoy yourself, because I'm always so awkward, misplaced, and wrong. But you didn't. You sat there, and we talked like we've been friends for a long time, without missing a beat. and I loved it.
Later on, I thought maybe you were just being nice. because you're so personable and good with people everyone loves talking to you. Everyone wants your attention and time. But then i realized, later on, that wasn't the case. You did like talking to me. You did like me. For me.
You spent this whole year doing whatever you could to make me feel like I belonged, I existed, I wasn't misplaced. And what did I do?
I acted like a bitch. I put my guard up. That's why this is so stupid. You're my happy place, and I pushed it all away. I ruined everything. Everytime you tried I acted like a bitch.
I can only hope, when you get back, you won't stop trying to talk to me about...anything...and shuffling your feet, and laughing the way you do. Please, don't let the fact i don't know how to let my guard down, ever, ruin everything. Because I at least just want to be your friend.
"'Cause this is torturous electricity between both of us, and this is dangerous 'cause I want you so much, but I hate your guts. I hate you."
Daughter // Landfill