It's taken me a really long time to realize this, but I think that I might love you.
It's so awkward falling in love with a guy who is one of your best friends.
Because I don't want to ruin our friendship, but, I just can't help myself
I just want to go back to the beach with you, R, and L. To feel the waves pull your hand around my back. To feel your warm sunburnt skin around me. To let the ocean breeze blow through my hair and the night stars envelop my brain. To feel your hand intertwine with mine and then quickly unwind to catch a crab, but then be right back there again. To feel your wonderful lips on my fingertips, my neck, my forehead, and mine. To feel the joy of singing in the car with everyone. To feel my heartbeat skip when you walk around in your hawaiian shirt, khakis and sperries because you look oh so good. To feel my arms stretch and flex as we play baseball and hole-in-one in the backyard. Oh, how I miss you and how I miss those much too short days.
There are some really attractive guys in my Driver's Ed class
Some of them even hit on me,
But for some reason, I just can't bring myself to flirt back
And I'm pretty sure that you're that reason.
I dreamed up my lover, tall and pale, and I did not fear him.
I, who do not desire, desired him, and when I saw him walking toward me, I resolved to shed the mantle of my virginity and love him.
The body I dreamed for myself was anchored to its counterpart of matter, and my lovemaking was graceless—earnest and Sisyphean. I could not fit together the pieces of the universal puzzle, and so, with a tremor of impatience, he found his way.
A sudden warmth and the blood of a broken seal. The surprise in his face, all angles, brought me to shame, and I left him there, going to wash away the evidence and wondering vaguely at the loss and the gain.
He met me at the door and lifted me up to kiss me, murmuring words of love and understanding into my mouth. When he took me again to my bed, I memorized him, and our voices trailed into sleep.
My dream’s sleep was my life’s waking and though I tried to grasp the threads of his curls, the pulse of his fingers on my neck, I was obliged to take my leave of him.
By God, I would die to dream his love again.
He's mad at you. Fake mad, little kid anger over some stupid argument. You're taking a vocab test and you're done but you're not sure about one answer. So you take out your vocab book and see if you were right. The teacher comes around the corner and he coughs loudly at you so you don't get caught.
So it seems like the more time I spend away from you, the harder I fall for you. But when I'm around you all the time, I find myself extremely annoyed and feeling like I want to slap you across the face quite often. Based on these things, I know this crush or obesession or whatever it is that I have with you is unhealthy, but I just can't bring myself to stop. I've lost count of the amount of times that I've told myself I was going to move on because you're clearly not worth my time or my tears, yet here I am, sitting on my bed, writing you this letter that you'll never see, and listenting to Phillip Phillips' "Gone, Gone, Gone" as I recite the lyrics and think "I'll love you long after you're gone, gone, gone."
Those lyrics are true. You're practically gone from my life right now because it's summer and we live in different states, but I'm still hopelessly pining after you because I can't get you out of my every thought. And if I'm right in saying that I'm falling for you more and more with every day that day that goes by without contat with you, then it's going to be one long summer. If this is true, I don't even want to know how I will feel about you by the time school roles around in the fall. I think I'm going to be head over heels again, and that scares me terribly because the harder I fall, the more devistated I am when I realize that you haven't changed at all and that you're still the same jerk I left at the end of the school year. I'm just not sure that I can handle reliving the whirlwind of emotions that you gave me this year. I'm not sure that I will be able to handle being so close to you once again, yet so far away from the boy I thought I knew.
I just don't know. And that scares me terribly.
Today, I went to his house.
Okay so let's get into a little more detail.
My church's youth group during the Summers meet at people's houses instead of at our church and tonight, it was at his house.
And of course, it was a pool party.
So I got to see him shirtless (which was a very, very pretty sight) and I got to see him be playful and hang out with his friends and hang out with his little siblings which was so cute.
And then, I got to have a conversation with his mom and I put on my charm and I worked really hard to make sure she loved me because I know how much he loves his mom and values her oppinion.
So now, maybe when they're having dinner and getting into deep relationship conversations, maybe she'll recomend he goes for "that really sweet red headed girl".
I don't know, that might be a really distant thought that has no way of actually happening, but I don't know. I'll never know until I try, right?